


Never Had I Imagined (living without your smile)

by MacabreMoose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Introspection, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:41:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26598490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MacabreMoose/pseuds/MacabreMoose
Summary: Dean dies first. He has to.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 9





	Never Had I Imagined (living without your smile)

The thing is, Dean _knows_ Sam.

Hell, he’s practically raised Sam in fact. It had been the only constant in his life keeping him steady after his mother burned to death on the ceiling and his father gave little Sammy to him, a small moving bundle in his arms and Dean can still hear the garbled panicked syllables of _take your brother outside as fast as you can and don’t look back_ ringing in his ears.

He remembers the way the smoke had curled and filled his nose and surrounded everything. He remembers the heat, angry and furious and loud. It had roared like a beast and the house shook with tremors.

But most of all, Dean remembers stumbling through the hallway, the steady rhythm of _Sammy Sammy Sammy_ repeating over and over again in his mind like a desperate chant. 

In a way, he was still repeating those words. He _lived_ by them. 

_Take your brother._

Every breath he drew in, it was for Sam. Every time he _forced_ himself to get up was for Sam. Every time the monsters attacked, Dean fought back. _Because_ of Sam.

For Sam.

Everything he had ever done was for his brother and he’d be damned if he was ever simply going to step back and let Sam die.

Not on his watch. 

\----------- ------------

_Don’t look back._

This had been the other thing John Winchester had said to him. Don’t look back, keep going. Keep fighting, keep moving and don’t ever hesitate. Pausing - _wishing_ for something that you could never have - only gets you killed. Don’t be a fool, son.

Dean disagreed, but never out loud, of course. He’d nodded, pretended to take the words to heart even though a huge part of him was screaming that it was wrong. 

It felt wrong.

Sometimes, silently, he thinks that, if not looking back meant letting go of Sam, then, well…

There is no future without Sam. None.

He’s five years old when he first makes a promise to himself that he would be the first to go. 

Not Sam. Never Sam. 

Dean dies first, he _has to._

**Author's Note:**

> When death  
> takes my hand  
> I will hold you with the other,  
> and promise to find you  
> in every lifetime
> 
> \- Rupi Kaur, The Sun and Her Flowers


End file.
